When I Am Down

I'm tired, a to the bone tiredness that seems to consume everything.  I'm discouraged today, I've dealt with situations that no matter what I choose, the options aren't good.  I'm hurting today, when you love and care for others, yet it seems that is taken advantage of, it is a pain that hurts from the inside out.


When those times come and they do, I'm so glad I can cling to the Old Rugged Cross.  I'm thankful that I have a loving and forgiving Savior who knows what hurt and pain feel like.  He understands, He cares.


Some folks think that Christians never have disappointments or pain but in fact the opposite is true, we have many.  The only difference is we have someone to turn to.  Now I admit I often get in the flesh and try to handle it on my own.


Or I react rather than responding.  I still have trouble with that.  I know I am still a work in progress.  And at times the progress seems slow.  At times the mode of growing me seems so hard.


But I can't and I won't give up.  As the old song says I Have Too Much to Gain to Lose.  I have a family that need to know the abundance of God's ability to supply.  They need to know the comfort and peace that passes all understanding. 


When I'm in pain or it seems that life is getting hard, I write.  As I begin to type I find that God gives me so much.  Not just the words but the help and joy that I need.  Sometimes I have to write a while to get all that He wants to give. Sometimes the words come quickly but at other times I have to search for what He wants me to know.


I'm no different from anyone that may read this blog.  I go through many things, but I have learned that He always has the answer.  He always will provide.  He may not do it the way I think it should happen, it may not be when I think it should happen but it happens in His time and His time is always best.


Now someone reading this may think 'wow, she has it altogether'.  Well, don't let the words fool you.  There are days that I grasp for hope and help.  There are weeks that I feel I can't get my head above water.  I feel the enemy crushing down.


The only thing that I have 'altogether' is the knowledge that my God is greater, He is able, He is powerful. 


Today is definitely one of those mornings.  Things at home were chaotic.  I cried at home, I cried on the way to work and I've even cried at work.  My heart may betray me, in that it feels like giving up but my spirit asks 'give up to what?'  If you give up on God, where would you turn?


The reality that the devil seeks to have God allow him to try and test God's children is very real to me today and I feel I have failed every test.  Unlike Job who praised the Lord through his trials, I feel I'm moaning and groaning through mine.  That isn't who I want to be but my heart is heavy and my spirit needs renewal.  I do the only thing I can, I look for answers in HIs word.


As the Psalmist said in 51:10 - 'Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me'.  This is where I am today.  I need God to renew a right spirit in me.  I don't want to feel and believe the worse, so I must fall on my knees and implore Him to renew my spirit.  It may not happen in a flash, it may not be instantaneous, but I know it will happen.  Because my God is faithful.  I may sit in this place for a while but my God will deliver.  Until He does I will continue to repeat this prayer and wait.